a lot of thoughts and feelings, yes.
a lot of inner transformations (how long will they stick? who knows...)
i am talking to friends; the conversations are happening. so are the clicks within.
and yet, i am avoiding my journal like the plague.
maybe that would make it too unavoidably real -- maybe once i write in there and inevitably regress, it will be much too heartbreaking to bear.
i need for it to be bearable, so i can try again. and again. and again. and again.
it's 3:28 AM. i have been thinking a lot about how i miss the internet... the way it used to be.
i miss being held by the glow of my computer screen.
right now, in this moment, i feel it again -- just a smidge. it is evanescent. i know this and so i don't want the moment to end.
the very awareness makes me hit a wall. i have bared everything and barely anything at all.
the air in the room is sharper now and the moment has passed.
i am disappointed. i always am.
if someone is reading this, please pretend you didn't. let it be a secret we share.
let us pretend the feeling is still there.