A response to Kika
I have always had trouble with human connection – oscillating between an intense desire and urge for it, and the immediate recoil of when it actually begins to happen. I now see it as a genuine urge and need, the thing that needs tinkering is the structure, the container that holds the energy (or rather – energies – it takes two to tango), not the feeling itself.
Over the years, I’ve had many forms of connections and attachments that came from many places. The form was warped and maybe even the feelings misguided, but they did serve me in some way at the time.
A form I do love and treasure is that of an asynchronous internet friendship. It’s a unique form of intimacy that allows the melding of minds and souls, without the friction of daily living. And I am so grateful to have found this with Kika. It is a miracle to find people who inspire you and nurture your aliveness – let their light shine on you and receive yours as it shines back, even from different continents.
Kika and I are constantly in each others orbit (thanks to Instagram) seeing all the wonderful things we are doing and posting about, and sharing the not so wonderful things happening in our real lives via the occasional Instagram DM.
A few days ago we had the rare one-on-one video call with a predetermined agenda – we were going to draw. Or at least ‘create’ something. We entered this call with very different energies – Kika was bursting with it (they had a job interview later in the day) and mine was a lot slower. I am always intrigued when I am the ‘calm’ and not the ‘storm’ in an energy exchange, it turns my decades-long, externally fed self perception on its head. It is good to be reminded that I carry both and all within me, and all of them are welcome. Kika loves blue (please read their piece on their deep connection with this colour) and I love all things bright and wonderful. It made me laugh that on the day, to the untrained eye, I was the ‘blue’ one and Kika was kaleidoscopic.
We doodled (using some prompts – one of which Kika came up with – that we should draw what it would be like when we meet in real life), Kika wrote a poem and I tried to crochet. And in between all of this, we were chatting.
Kika's doodle of us
Kika was speaking about how its so sad and frustrating that we are forced to live in a world where we have to monetize our hobbies. And I said I hate the word ‘hobbies’ – I like to call them life-force-giving-activties (LFGAs, pronounced ‘lufgahz’), because that is what they truly are for me and so many of my friends whose hearts are too tender and heavy. Kika lit up at the thought, and it sparked an idea in their head for their next blog post. Hoorah! Successful energy exchange! The boys played well!!
My doodle of us
When Kika sent me their piece today, I read it immediately. I am always blown away by their writing (they have a way with words, they are a triple Gemini after all) and it made me feel alive enough that I was compelled to write this response straight away. (Its another asynchronous conversation we are having.)
This portion of Kika’s writing struck a chord with me.
“Maybe I am trying to reach my “it,” whatever that may be (perhaps a kitchen sink). Lately, I have been realising that no matter what I do, creation is central to the it. I go look for meaning in connection and sharing my thoughts, the unraveling of care. My whole desire for life is a pregnancy waiting to complete, to bring something into being.”
The feeling resonates deeply within my core, while I am having realizations of my own. My relationship to my “it” is changing. And the growing pains are excruciating (as they always are).
I have been feeling blocked creatively – ideas for doodles/crochet projects/ photographs/collages rot away in my notes app, and my frustration grows. The feelings are gurgling… I can feel them behind my forehead like a dam ready to burst, and yet I just cannot bring myself to create in the way that I am used to. The release I relied on for years is not accessible to me right now.
I have also been spending a lot of time watching films (I do run a film club lol) and consuming the art of others. I can feel myself swing into my “thinky” brain instead of the usual “feely” one; and the connection between these two has been faulty for years now. The wiring has been damaged, after all. I lived in “thinky” brain for the past couple of years, because “feely” brain didn’t feel safe anymore. I am slowly trying to find the balance – to fix the wiring, and I guess that is something that takes a lifetime.
My discomfort with “thinky” brain has been growing for a while too, the avalanche of feelings needs somewhere to go. Swinging to one extreme does not solve the problem, it only worsens it. And without my usual outlet, it was becoming unbearable. And the fear of doing human connection wrong, of ruining things by letting out “feely” brain with full force felt like too much of a risk. I am not in a place to afford yet another conflict gone wrong. Another abandoned, shattered container.
Yesterday, my sweetest friend Pri came over to spend some time with me. I asked them to come over so we could be lazy and spend irl time together. Pri reads tarot cards (along with being a wonderful writer, thinker, feeler, and reader) and has inspired me to start learning too. We often do this together – do readings for each other on video call. They share their wisdom, and I am grateful to be a sidekick and apprentice.
Their tarot reading was sobering as usual. The gist of it was “I am safe, I can trust to share my feelings and know that they will be held. I should inch away from isolation. I am safe to feel AND think… not just alone, but also together.”
The reading brought tears to my eyes and the force of feeling behind my forehead got a little relief. The warmth of this friendship, the real world intimacy with the friction and the logistics and the eye contact and touch – all of it, made me feel held and seen. Not just visible, (I am used to visible) but truly seen.
A photo of Pri and I on their birthday in May
I am a few days away from my 29th birthday. The interaction with Pri and reading Kika’s writing are making me realize how often times my ‘LFGAs’ are also the things that maybe keep me away from life and living. They are an escape, a safe container, yes, but a distant one, one that can only say so much to me back. And that maybe, building real world containers for my real thoughts and feelings with real people is a possibility again. And that it is safe to tinker, to try and falter. And that human connections and containers are essential to my “it”. After all, it is these containers that I am building that have caused shifts in me, enough to make me want to ‘create’ this piece of writing.