These days, pop psychology talks a lot about how 'rage' is healthy. Blah blah. I do think, much like a LOT of pop psychology in general, reading a thing and actually internalizing the thing are very different.
In our day-to-day lives, a lot of us might view misguided manifestations of rage as 'bad'. I know I sure do. I catch myself clinging to harsh judgement for safety -- "That's so petty!" but deep down I know, I have the pettiness within me too.
Rage and revenge fascinate me. I often have trouble accessing these states, even in situations where they are completely justified. Other times, this unconscious piling up surges and erupts -- or rather blurts out -- into my conscious mind... maybe even in situations where it's not warranted and could be seen as 'blowing things out of proportion (I hate that phrase. Most things are out of proportion for me.) This is obviously followed by self-judgement and shame for experiencing a feeling that is very human.
Now I'd like to clarify, I don't condone violence or harming other people. What I'm more interested in is using this impulsive urge and turning it into motivation that is sustainable long-term.
'Do it out of spite', 'do it to prove everyone wrong', 'I'll show them!!!' These are admirable phrases in my mind. Some might say an external motivation like this is not a 'good' thing -- one must do things for themselves.
I argue that rage and revenge are a product of immense care for oneself. One must give a fuck in order to acknowledge harm done and to make it right. Rather than spiralling into self destruction, it takes courage and self worth to take the feeling and make something out of it. Something that benefits you.
When one faces immense harm, it's easy to say things like 'focus on yourself', 'closure comes from within' or whatever the fuck people say. I do think "moving on" and changing focus is important. However, one can't change the fact that a dynamic has already been set. This thing outside of you -- that you have no control over -- has changed how you exist (in the world, in your mind, whatever.) And now you have to work with this situation.
This has been coming up on-and-off in therapy for the past few months. The envy and awe I feel for people who can be this way. In my own life, I know of people who have been through similar situations, and come out of them focusing on building themselves as opposed to self-destruction. They too centre the trauma and harm caused to some extent, but the rage is channeled outwards. Not in a harmful way. And it is felt unflinchingly, without shame. The rage is a right.
I wait for the day I allow myself my rightful rage. Not volatile and directionless, but rather targeted and purposeful.