documenting this old collage and piece of writing from july 2024
My mother called a lady we saw across the street ‘tacky’. My chest tightened. I felt a searing of rage and second-hand embarrassment. And a need to protect her – this stranger I don’t even know – from my mother – a woman I love and have known my whole life.
My mom wearing a pastel blue salwar kameez, and this other woman wearing a bright red leather jacket.
I opened up twitter.
Type tweet. “My mom is sooooo embarrassing!” Cringe emoji. Cry emoji.
Ping ping ping – the notifications came in.
People laughed! They like what I said. I must be right.
A surge of dopamine in my system. A righteousness in my mind.
Snap judgments keep me safe; they keep me scared.
They protect me; they cut me off.
I know where I learnt them from but how to get rid of them?… I don’t know.
They snap open and shut like the jaws of a wild beast – cornered, afraid… wanting to be saved but forced to do the saving.
Jaws… they clench you know. With the rise in tension. It hurts.
It hurts to hurt. It hurts to be hurt.
And the shame of it all... now that’s what hurts the most.
The shame my mother threw at the woman we saw across the street. And the shame her mother threw at her.