It's definitely been longer than a week, but even the 7-day week felt like a year. Things happen so fast and it all gets so foggy and muddled. I don't know if I have it in me to write a day-wise entry. The very thought is making me nauseous.
The highlight of my week was screening Shrek at film club on 4th Jan
(Sunday). I loved watching it with a group of people.
I also had a therapy session after a 3-week break on Wednesday (7th Jan) and found out my therapist loves Shrek too! I missed her. I do feel far less reliant on her than I was when I started, but I am so grateful for the perspective she brings into my life. She just gets it! Ooh she also loves Ponyo and Whisper of the Heart and said she has a special place in her heart for adults who love animation. I feel the same way. I really lucked out with her.
Also, met Liebling on the 7th after a looong time. I missed her so much. I have to keep my heart closed off when I meet her now, because I know I can't that often and she's getting so old. It's really quite depressing. A lot of things are.
And this 2 year old kid with "tattoos". She was very precious and fascinated with Liebs. Liebs was aloof as usual.
Mom's birthday was on the 8th. We went to dinner -- the whole lot. It was tolerable, I had 3 double gin and tonics. I also found these two cuties snuggled up at the club. I feel bad for disturbing their sleep.
The heaviness within is definitely getting heavier -- harder to carry. I keep wondering if I'm doing it right -- do we just hold it all in and keep moving? Is that the goal? And if suppose we do let it out, for how long before we must stop? How long do we let it go on?
Through the nightmares and general exhaustion, I also forced myself to meet up with someone because she asked. I really didn't want to. I did it anyway. I got absolutely nothing out of the interaction. And even worse -- I think I'm finding out that she's quite mean. Like not funny, pulling your leg, joking mean. But making fun of how people look and how much money they have mean. YIKES! I did bring it up and she apologized. But it left me wondering -- how much do I 'owe' other people? How much conversation, "advice", "correction?" This isn't the first time. Maybe my fondness for people is sometimes a reflection of theirs for me -- and as time passes I realize I, in fact, don't really like them as people at all. Maybe I'm exaggerating. But I do think it's okay to pull back and preserve myself a bit (no matter what my brain is telling me).
I've watched very few films this week -- around 4 I guess? And I finally finished watching Heated Rivalry (10th-11th Jan) !!! I really needed the dopamine kick.
I also motivated myself to leave the house with some adorable fits (as per uzhe) all of which I did not document.
I hope I can stay present without running away, and also acknowledge the things within without being swallowed whole. I am tired and scared. And I also know something's gotta give -- and I have to decide what that is.